


The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But.

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Mostly plotless fun, Sort of Crack-ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-03-30 13:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3937972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tanaka and Noya find an online recipe for a love potion to give Kiyoko, but they accidentally put it in the wrong water bottle. They soon discover the "potion" doesn't do exactly what they intended, but the results are hilarious, so they run some more experiments on their team and later, Aoba Johsai's (for a tactical advantage, obviously).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. what's the worst that could happen, bro?

**Author's Note:**

> Note 1: SUSPEND DISBELIEF. This is a goofy little story meant to entertain, not be entirely accurate.
> 
> Note 2: This a brief intro, with two longer parts to come.
> 
> Note 3: Have fun!

The sun was casting its last rays through the windows of the science lab at Karasuno High, the rows of desks empty, the room devoid of life. Well, almost. A shock of spiked-up black hair peeked out from behind a lab bench, accompanied by a reflective bald head with two grey eyebrows raised just above the black surface. The only audible sound was the shuffle of uniform pants on linoleum and the occasional angry mutter when Noya head-butted Tanaka in the rear as the two mischief-makers crawled to the supply room. Now, under normal circumstances, the supply room would (rightfully so) be locked to prevent aforementioned mischief-makers from doing what they do best, but on this Friday, the key to the room had _mysteriously_ disappeared. The chemistry teacher had thought little of it, and in a rush to catch his train home for dinner, left without locating the key. He would regret this decision immensely in the not-too-distant future.

The well-worn key slipped easily into the lock, granting access to a whole host of compounds that could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Well, all four of the wrong hands were grabbing the bottles, speed-reading the labels of the clear containers before moving onto the brown ones.

“Bro, what are we looking for?” Noya whispered, a tone louder than his normal speaking voice, but more gravelly.

“Here’s the list!” Tanaka slipped the sheet to his partner in crime conspiratorially, despite the fact that nobody could see or hear them.

“The internet knows everything. It just knows.”

“Right?!”

Noya’s head bobbed up and down as he haphazardly flitted his hands from shelf to shelf, looking for the ingredients necessary to concoct a potion that would change his and Tanaka’s lives forever. Being sixteen-year-old boys, neither had really thought their plan through in detail. They had spent a scant afternoon searching Google for love potions, and in a giddy rush, had selected the first one - one that was now printed on the paper crumpled in Noya’s sweaty hand.  Chemistry was simple, they thought, despite both having failing grades in the subject, and they could easily brew up a batch of foolproof love serum and give it to the poor object of their affections. Kiyoko had managed to keep the two charming weirdos at bay for two years, but it seemed like they were finally about to succeed in their efforts. If only they could figure out what dihydrogen monoxide was.

“Ryuu!”

“Yeah, bro?”

“Did you get the herbs on the list?”

“Yeah!” They jumped in the small storage room, high-fiving in the air with an echoing smack. Cradling numerous small bottles, vials and flasks in their twitchy arms, the two made their way over to the nearest lab bench, deposited their respective chemicals and grinned from ear to ear. While they were ‘carefully’ ‘measuring’ out the required amounts for their completely innocent plan, dark clouds had begun to roll in and the room grew darker by the minute. Noya, cackling madly over an Erlenmeyer flask, popped his head up and looked out the window adjacent to him.

“I’m gonna go turn on the lights! It got all creepy and dark in here!”

“Nee-san said it was going to be sunny today! I wore my best shorts under my uniform and everything…” Tanaka trailed off, disappointed that he would be deprived of looking fabulous after school. Noya flipped on the back row of lights, illuminating the rows of discarded measuring equipment and a single 1-liter beaker filled with equal parts of acids and bases. Again, being none-too-skilled in chemistry, the duo kept unwittingly making water. Saltwater. By some miracle, they managed to hook up a distillation apparatus and set the mixture boiling for the time specified on their magical recipe. At this point, most humans would have noticed that they were effectively boiling water, but the fancy chemical names had convinced Noya and Tanaka that they were working magic. _Love_ magic.

“We’re chemistry geniuses!” exclaimed Noya, clenching his fists in victory in front of the characters on his shirt, which read “Honour Among Thieves.” He had worn it under his uniform expressly for this occasion, suspecting that Tanaka may have needed some motivation to go steal from the faculty. The shirt actually had motivated the taller boy, and here they were, about to successfully make the world’s most complicated cup of salty chamomile (and oregano?) tea. Once they had distilled the saltwater into just regular water, as the recipe stated, they dumped their herbs in and stirred, letting their potion steep. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the lights flickered ominously.

“We’re mad scientists, bro! Look at the potion! It’s totally changing colours!” Tanaka pressed his face against the large beaker, admiring it.

“Whoooooooooaaaaaaa.” Noya joined him, guffawing at the sight of Tanaka’s distorted face in the glass. “Your eyes are huge! Ha!”

“Yours too!” They giggled madly.

 

They were meant to steep their ‘potion’ for fifteen minutes, and given the sheer amount of energy contained in their bodies, neither could sit still. Noya pulled out a volleyball while glassware and half-open bottles of various chemicals surrounded him, and actually considered this a passable idea. Lightning flashed close to the building, followed momentarily by a sharp clap of thunder. Neither Noya nor Tanaka flinched; they were so fired up about their plan that nothing could faze them.

“Ryuu! Let’s play while we wait!”

“You’re a genius, Yuu!” A genius _libero_ he was, but on a scale of one to horrible ideas, this stunt was definitely in the 95 th percentile of dumb. The two managed to keep the ball in play and in control for nearly the whole time they were waiting. It was when the timer on Tanaka’s phone blared obnoxiously that he contacted the ball unevenly, sending in the direction of the assorted chemicals and their prized concoction. The ball tipped over the large beaker in what appeared to be slow motion, knocking over a bottle of something colourful along with it. Noya and Tanaka, horror etched into their features, lunged forward to catch the beaker before it spilled all of their potion across the shiny surface of the bench. Tanaka righted the container after approximately a third had poured out and mixed with the contents of one unlabeled bottle. The spilled portion turned pink briefly, then faded to clear once more.

“Yuu! What are we going to do? We’re going to waste this!”

“No, we will not, Ryuu! We have survived greater trials in our lives!” Noya contemplated the large puddle spreading across the table, wrapping itself around the edges of the metal sink. “We can scoop it up!” Tanaka gawked at Noya, admiration radiating from his eyes. Noya posed with his hands on his hips, eyes closed and lips curled into a pleased smile. Lightning flashed just outside of the window, startling the two with its proximity, and the lights in the room flickered while thunder echoed painfully in their ears. Tanaka pulled Noya’s attention to the puddle, which had glowed faintly during the lightning strike.

“Waaaaaahhhhh, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST!” Pipetting the spilled liquid back into the bigger container, Noya and Tanaka fantasized about their immediate future of _love_.

The lab ‘clean,’ and love potion safely stored in a sealed water bottle, the dynamic duo nearly skipped off campus and on the way to their respective homes. Noya took the potion home with him for safekeeping, and all weekend, the two texted back and forth about phase two of Operation Rolling Thunder of Love. 

 

At Monday’s night practice, it was all the two could do to not burst at the seams from giddiness. Their goddess, Kiyoko, was looking over the previous week’s serving statistics on the sideline, a water bottle sitting unattended at her feet. For a pair as invested in a plan as this, it was surprising to note that they didn’t recognize that the water bottle at her feet was not, in fact, hers. It belonged to a certain scowling setter who was, at that moment, holding their decoy up by his shirt and yelling insults into his face. Noya and Tanaka put a few drops of their potion in that very same water bottle in between drills, and crept away, faces nearly split by grins.

“Bro!”

“Brooooooooo.”

“Now we wait!” Noya’s voice rose an octave from sheer delight, and he high-fived Tanaka before running onto the court for a receiving drill. Suga side-eyed the duo, suspicious of their weirder than normal behavior, and nudged Daichi.

“Are they a little more hyper than usual today? They seem like they’ve got some mischief planned, Daichi.” Suga, hands on his hips, turned towards the captain.

“Aren’t they always planning mischief?” Daichi arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

“Well, yes, but they were crawling around behind the bench during the last water break, humming the Mission Impossible theme.”

“Huh. That is weird. I don’t know what to tell you, Suga, aside from it’s your turn to receive!” Daichi clapped him on the back, letting his hand linger briefly on the sloping muscle.

“Oh! Oh, yes!” The vice captain ran onto the court to take his turn.

 

Hinata, ever the ball of hyperactive sunshine, skidded off the court and swept up the bottle at Kiyoko’s feet. He squirted some of the water into his mouth, anticipating sweet relief for his parched throat. Instead, he got a mouthful of something different; it wasn’t so bad that he’d spit it out, but there was a distinct flavour to it.

“DUMBASS HINATA!” Kageyama stalked over, fists clenched by his sides and scowl dark enough to engulf Hinata’s boundless joy in seconds.

“What?!” The redhead recoiled, looking around in a panic to find someone to hide behind.

“That’s my water bottle! You idiot! You’ve just contaminated it!” The dark-haired boy snatched the yellow bottle from Hinata’s smaller hands and squirted some water in his mouth.

“Then why did you just drink from it?!”

“I’M REALLY THIRSTY, DUMBASS!” None of their teammates paid the bickering any mind because this was a regular occurrence; it was only when the two were quiet did anyone feel uncomfortable. Besides, Noya and Tanaka were too busy being completely and utterly horrified that they had put their potion _in the wrong bottle._ The bottle from which both Hinata _and_ Kageyama had taken a drink. Oh no, they mouthed, covering their faces with their hands in tandem. So much for a foolproof plan. Noya peeked out from behind his hand, catching Suga and Daichi’s trouble-spotting gazes. He quickly dropped his palms to his sides, chuckling weakly as their combined stare weighed on his small frame. He nudged Tanaka to draw attention to the fact that they may not have been as stealthy as they had previously thought. Hinata chose that moment to hiccup loudly, distracting the captain and vice captain from their scrutiny. Kageyama hiccupped a moment later. The setter stared at the tiny redhead, and watched his pupils blow wide before returning to normal. Hinata shook his head like a small puppy.

“What was in this water, Kageyama? My head feels all weird.”

“Nothing! It was just water! And I drank from it too, and I feel fi-“ Kageyama paused mid-sentence, his face screwed up in confusion. “-ne.” The pair stared at one another intently, the silence drawing the attention of the entire team. Tsukishima shook his head, taking another swig from his bottle before walking back towards the net, followed closely by a scurrying Yamaguchi. Silence descended on the gym and Coach Ukai stared at his team, itching to pull out a cigarette to calm himself. What were these boys up to?

“Serving drills! Go!” His voice snapped Kageyama and Hinata out of their trance, and that sent a chain reaction rippling through the rest of the team. Practice started back up without any trouble, and Noya and Tanaka were sure they were out of the woods. Sure, their potion had failed, but at least they hadn’t accidentally made two of their key players fall in love with each other.

 

Things began to get _weird_ when Coach called for a scrimmage. Naturally, Hinata and Kageyama were on the same side, so some weirdness was to be expected. Not this amount, though. Hinata had mis-hit a ball, and true to form, Kageyama tensed up, ready to unleash any rage he happened to have built up since his last eruption. That reaction was normal, however, the words that flew out of his mouth were most definitely _not_.

“HINATA! I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR HAIR, DUMBASS!” Kageyama froze as soon as the words had tumbled out of his mouth, blue eyes snapping open in shock. His hair was still swaying from the exertion of yelling, but everything around him had become very, very still. Hinata’s face bloomed a bright red, feet rooted to the spot, eyes making contact with anything _but_ Kageyama. In the background, Noya’s eyes were open so wide that he was afraid he’d be collecting his eyeballs from the floor, and Tanaka had not breathed in over thirty seconds. Ennoshita looked at Yamaguchi, who shrugged and looked over at his best friend. Tsukishima looked disgusted, as per usual. Suga and Daichi had both cocked their heads in confusion, exchanging a puzzled look. Asahi had gone into shock. Takeda’s eyes were wide as saucers, Kiyoko’s lips were parted slightly in surprise, and Coach Ukai could have used some help in reclaiming his jaw from the floor. It was the loud caw of a crow outside that broke the tense silence. Hinata picked up the long-forgotten volleyball and rolled it to Yamaguchi on the opposite side of the net.

“Your serve?” He chuckled weakly, worrying his bottom lip. Kageyama looked like he was ready for the ground to swallow him whole. Daichi remembered his duty as captain and called out ‘serve!’ letting Yamaguchi know he was to serve _immediately_. He did as he was told, and for several rallies, everything was back to normal, Kageyama’s bizarre outburst forgotten. It wasn’t until Hinata made eye contact with his setter after a successful freak quick that the _weird_ returned, full-force.

“That was awesome, Kageyama! It went all GWAH and PAH and the set was almost as pretty as your eyes!” The redhead clapped both his hands over his mouth, looking up at Kageyama. He braced himself for the inevitable head-grab, but none came. Suga nearly broke his neck snapping his head in the direction of his two kouhai. Tanaka started choking on his tongue and Noya violently slapped him on the back to get him back to his senses.

“Did your brain-to-mouth filter finally break completely? Ugh.” Tsukishima drawled from the back of the court, adjusting his glasses. The team erupted in laughter, joined awkwardly by Kageyama and Hinata who were now pointedly avoiding each other’s gaze. Coach Ukai rested his weight on one hip and looked around the gym for clues that would convince him he was actually asleep and dreaming about this bizarre day. The rest of the scrimmage was sloppy at best because the teenagers’ hormones had decided to take over.

The group of sweaty, tired boys congregated in the clubroom to change after practice, chatting noisily. Noya and Hinata were jumping and yelling about the upcoming Spring Highs, the second-years were laughing about something on Tanaka’s phone, Suga and Daichi were patting an awkward Asahi on the back, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were judging, and Kageyama stood stock-still at his locker, eyes narrowed. His hand had been hovering over the locker door for nearly five minutes as he contemplated Hinata’s and his outbursts at practice. What had possessed him to say something like that in public when he was intending on saying something completely different? He shrugged, finally peeling off his practice jersey. Out of the corner of his eye, Kageyama caught Hinata staring at him with his eyebrows drawn. The stupid decoy wasn’t actually trying to make eye contact, though; he was unabashedly staring at Tobio’s abs. Kageyama quickly threw on a shirt, looking away from his teammate. Noya caught the exchange, hoping nobody else had, because he suspected that Tanaka’s and his internet potion had actually worked.

“Ryuu! Come here! We have important business to discuss!” The libero gesticulated wildly to his friend. Tanaka made his way over to the corner of the room, bending down so his ear was level with Noya’s mouth. “I think we should give the potion to Daichi and Suga next practice.” Tanaka looked aghast.

“Noya-san, they’ll kill us!”

“Not if they don’t know about it!”

“But why them?”

“Because they’re our captains, duh.”

“Brooooo.”

“But we should put more in.”

“Are you sure?”

“We have plenty, don’t we?” Tanaka nodded in the affirmative, putting his fist out towards Noya. The shorter boy bumped their fists together, signaling the end of their meeting with a comical wink. Behind them, all they could hear was:

“DUMBASS, STOP STARING. I LIKE IT!”

“NOT MY FAULT YOU HAVE SUCH A DEFINED BODY, STUPID KAGEYAMA. PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, BUT DON’T!” Noya snorted into his palm, elbowing Tanaka in the ribs.

“Just imagine Suga-san yelling things like that! Wait, what if we give it to everyone?” Tanaka whispered loudly, barely suppressing a guffaw.

“YES! It is our duty to make sure we have fun at volleyball. This is fun, right?”

“YESSSS!”

 

Little did the rest of the team know what was in store for their next practice.

 


	2. and it hits the proverbial fan...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noya and Tanaka dump more potion in the whole team's bottles, and Coach Ukai honestly has no idea what to do with these ridiculous children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we just pretend that I wasn't cackling the entire time I was writing this? Can we? Anyway. Hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> As always, feel free to come be friends at gnetophyta.tumblr.com :)

Tanaka and Noya were sitting much too innocently against the inner wall of the gymnasium the next morning, the team’s bottles all laid out according to each player’s preference. Kiyoko and Yachi had arrived shortly after Daichi and Suga had opened the gym, and dutifully filled each bottle. When Kiyoko had taken Yachi aside to explain how to log statistics, a certain wing spiker and libero had each snatched half the bottles in order to add a larger quantity of a certain je-ne-sais-quoi. Tanaka, fearing retribution from his team mom and dad, hovered over the unscrewed tops of their bottles, debating whether to go through with the plan. Noya was much too busy sabotaging the rest of the team to witness the wavering of the bald boy’s resolve. Tanaka began to sweat, his hand shaking over a bottle bearing a sticker with a neatly printed ‘Daichi’ across it. Would this be worth it? He imagined his captain’s threatening face and having two strong hands closed over his windpipe and shuddered. Then again, they wouldn’t necessarily know he was responsible, and Daichi couldn’t choke Noya and him at the same time. Hmm.

 

Noya and Tanaka exchanged a brief thumbs-up on their run outside, the former increasing his strides to catch up with the team’s ace afterward.  The early-morning warm up jogs were always relatively silent as the group of boys slowly shed the clutches of sleep and got their blood pumping with the steady pounding of feet on concrete. Despite their complete inability to function early in the morning, Hinata and Kageyama were at the head of the pack, still silently swatting at each other in a perfunctory way, only making contact every five or so swings. Suga and Daichi ran in step with one another, ten metres behind the half-heartedly bickering duo, and shared small smiles through all the sweat and redness. The rest of their kouhai-children kept pace a few steps behind, most of their brains unaware of what their bodies were doing.

 

By the time the stragglers had fallen through the door to the gym and put on their court shoes, Daichi had already begun warmup stretches. Coach Ukai stumbled up the stairs shortly after, yawning impressively. Takeda-sensei followed behind, beaming brightly at the prospect of a new day.

“I hope everybody’s ready to work today. We spent too much time being,” Coach waved the hand not in his pocket around, “yesterday. “ He directed a pointed look at Kageyama and Hinata, who went rigid, yelling “OSU!” as loud as humanly possible given the hour. The rest of the team chimed in with varying degrees of enthusiasm and wakefulness.

“Quick water break and then we’re serving! I want everyone to get fifty in before we do a hitting drill!” Coach Ukai sat down in his chair, slouching down and crossing his arms. The entire team jogged over to the side, shoes squeaking, desperate for something, _anything_ , to soothe their parched throats.

“Kageyama, why does your water taste funny again today?”

“Hinata!” Kageyama grabbed the redhead by the shirt, fuming. “Why did you drink from my bottle again?!”

“I thought it was mine!”

“IS YOUR NAME KAGEYAMA TOBIO?”

“No. It’s-”

“I know what your name is!” Hinata dropped back to the ground, and Kageyama took a rage-filled slurp from his teammate’s water bottle in retaliation.  They held angry eye contact until a world-ending hiccup racked Hinata’s tiny body. “What was that, dumbass?”

“That hiccup hurt!” He rubbed below his Adam’s apple gingerly, contorting his face until he heard several really loud hiccups from behind him. He turned to face the sounds. Yamaguchi looked shocked by the sound he had made, apologizing to Tsukishima, who hiccupped mid-scoff.

“You’re kinda cute when you hiccup!” Yamaguchi giggled, nudging his best friend.  Tsukishima looked horrified at being called cute, by Tadashi, no less.

“I’m not _cute_. Ugh.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“You’re cuter, I guess.”

“Sorry, not sorry, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi _skipped_ off towards the court, coloured a red previously not found in nature. Tsukishima was trying his best to remain stoic under the shocked gazes of his teammates. He had just called his best friend _cute_. Out loud. In public. The blond adjusted his glasses and walked to the baseline, willing all the spectators to combust into flames. Noya and Tanaka were already in pain from smiling so hard but that had set them over the edge. Seeing Tsukishima in a state other than aloof was a treat, indeed. Noya roughly elbowed Tanaka in the ribs and attempted a surreptitious point in the direction of their captain and vice-captain, who were standing closer than usual by the net pole.

“Ryuu, they’re _canoodling_.”

“Canoodling?”

“ _Canoodling._ ” Never mind that neither Noya nor Tanaka had any idea what the word meant. The two third years in question appeared to be in their own world, both with their hands on a ball that Suga had clutched closer to his chest. “So cute!”

“Why are you like a tiny ball of sunshine? It makes me so ANGRY that I want to hug you!” A certain setter yelled at Hinata in the background.

“That’s because you’re a miserable raincloud, Kageyama.” Tsukishima called from the other side of the net, shrugging off his earlier embarrassment. Yamaguchi snorted from behind one freckled hand.

“Good one, Tsukki!”

“SHUT UP!” Kageyama growled.

“He’s right! You’re like a handsome raincloud, making eeeeeveryone really wet!” Hinata pressed his lips together as tightly as his skin would allow, then buried his face in his hands. Kageyama trembled, white-knuckled and flustered beyond all good reason.

“Besides, my best friend is better looking than either of you.” Tsukishima stated matter-of-factly before catching himself and realizing he hadn’t meant to speak at all. He had intended to laugh at the two bumbling idiots, but those words had just flown out of his mouth. Yamaguchi turned to him, inclining his head to meet his eyes. Tsukishima’s head snapped in the other direction.

“I think you’re handsome, too, Tsukki!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Instead of his normal apology, Yamaguchi tapped Tsukishima on the butt, yelped when he realized what he had done, and ran off to get a ball. Hinata all but brayed at the tall boy’s indignant spluttering, trying to casually high-five Kageyama while doing so. He ended up missing because his setter still hadn’t figured out the mechanics of normal human interaction, and he slapped the angry raincloud child in the face with an audible smack instead.

“I want to be mad, but you’re TOUCHING ME, SO I CAN’T BE!” Kageyama’s volume hit a level that attracted the attention of the entire room. Hinata’s hand was frozen on the setter’s face, but whether it was from fear or arousal, one couldn’t tell. He could only see two blue eyes peeking out from between his fingers, radiating murder. Kageyama contemplated licking the small hand to get it off his face, but he didn’t react quickly enough.

“Your skin is so soooooft. Uooooooohhhh.” Hinata breathed, rubbing his hand around the middle of his setter’s face in the most awkward and un-sensual way possible.

“Hinata!” Coach Ukai called loudly, finally aware of the disaster his team was quickly becoming. Tiny little Yachi recoiled in horror at the coach’s voice, leaning into Kiyoko for safety. “Stop molesting Kageyama’s face and start serving! That goes for the rest of you. GO!” Karasuno’s volleyball team scrambled to opposite baselines, beginning a serve warm up before anything else could go awry. Noya only realized partway through the drill that Asahi was getting progressively closer to him, and he was deliberately avoiding eye contact. Noya threw the ball in his hands up, taking a lazy swing at it. It skimmed the top of the net, dropping just in front of the attack line on the other side. He let out a satisfied huff before catching an overpowered serve heading towards his face from the other side.

“At least get it in the court, Ryuu! You almost ruined my hair!”

“Your hair could never look bad, Noya!” Asahi muttered, then his back to the libero. Noya arched an eyebrow. Not him too?

“Azumane! Why are you facing away from the net? Surely you’re not aimin’ to serve out the window?” The glass-hearted giant blanched at Coach’s reprimand, pivoting back towards the net and staring forward with his lips taut.

“Asahi?” The boy addressed promptly bounced his ball on his foot, sending it rolling on the court. Not thinking, Asahi bolted after it, running in an awkward crouch, right in the path of multiple powerful serves.

“ASAHI-SAN, WATCH-” As luck would have it, the strongest one made contact with the side of the ace’s head first. Kageyama’s eyes shot open and he ran towards his senpai, again forgetting that serves don’t suddenly freeze in the wake of catastrophe.

“Kageyama! Watch your-” Hinata yelped, just in time to see his idiot setter get nailed in the forehead by Daichi. Suga’s head snapped right to track the movements of the captain, and in _his_ moment of distraction, was bonked in the head by a wayward serve leaving Ennoshita’s hand. He dropped like a rag doll. Kinoshita and Narita somehow managed to hit each other across the net, likely due to the complete mess of players suddenly dropping on the court like flies. Coach Ukai looked out over the carnage, seeing almost his entire team splayed out on the hardwood, disoriented to varying degrees. Hinata, feeling left out because he hadn’t been hit in the face, lay himself down on the floor next to Kageyama and threw out his arms in mock-death. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi stood by Tanaka on one side of the court, their faces frozen in disgust and horror, respectively. Tanaka looked torn between running over to the other side and dealing with the bodies on his. Noya and he made eye contact through the net, trying to communicate their confusion. For a brief moment, everything was still, punctuated by tiny moans of pain in different pitches. Yachi clutched Kiyoko from the sideline, mirroring the way Takeda was hanging onto Ukai’s arm, afraid of how they would explain eight dead teenagers to the school.

It took a good ten minutes for the players to ascertain that they had not suffered concussions, shuffling around each other slowly.

“Is everyone alive?” Coach Ukai asked, receiving murmured assent in response. Tsukishima put two fingers against the pulse point on Yamaguchi’s neck, startling his freckled friend.

“Tsukki, why would I be standing up if I were dead? I didn’t even get hit!”

“Just checking.” Kei’s hand lingered too long, pressed too softly. Tadashi squeaked in the back of his throat.

“Were you worried about me?”

“N-yes.”

“Awww, that’s so sweet! Let’s date, Tsukki!” The freckled teen gasped, turning away from the throng of boys and crouching down to hide his face. Why did he say that? That’s not what he meant to say. None of that was even remotely close.

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima’s response was reassuring and familiar. “But okay.” Tadashi turned to the blond, his eyes just barely visible from the way he was hiding his face, but he saw how still Kei had gone. His eye was twitching visibly, and his fists were clenched so tightly that the knuckles were white. Tsukishima wondered if this was some horrible dream, and if he had really just imagined himself agreeing to _date_ his best friend while at practice. Yamaguchi chuckled nervously, teetering on the brink of hysteria.

“Hinata, you might want to take your hand out of Kageyama’s shorts while we’re at practice.” Suga cooed, pulling at the redhead’s wrist gently. The smaller boy looked up bashfully and looked ready to cry. He hadn’t even realized what his hand had been doing. Worst of all, Kageyama hadn’t said _anything_. Had he even noticed? What was happening to him?

“Why is my left butt cheek suddenly colder?” Tobio wondered aloud, shifting his weight to one hip.

“You too, Kageyama. Please, some decency!” Suga pointed to the hand Kageyama had up the side of Hinata’s warmup jersey.

“Your hands are warm!” Hinata beamed, but his face fell when his rival recoiled violently.

“Stop being magnetic, dumbass!”

“I’m not made of metal!”

“Then why do my hands want to be all over you?!”

Suga sighed deeply once the argument began, adjusting his shorts. A warm palm against the small of his back attracted his attention, and when he turned his head, he was met with Daichi’s face just centimetres from his own.

“They’ll be fine.”

“I know, Daichi, but everyone’s been so _strange_ since last night!” They both looked over their teammates. Yamaguchi was curled up into a ball by Tsukishima’s feet, the latter frozen like a statue, his eyes fixed on a spot on the wall. Narita, Ennoshita and Kinoshita were sitting together, chatting amiably, so at least they seemed to be fine. Asahi was standing, hunched over, in a corner of the gym with Noya clumsily slapping reassurance into his back. Tanaka was shirtless, for some reason, hitting a ball against the wall with much gusto, and their oddball duo was even odder than usual. They had been standing with their hands in each other’s clothing, completely oblivious not moments before, and were now slinging innuendo-heavy insults. Coach Ukai was gently tapping his forehead against the door to the gym, Takeda-sensei rubbing his back amid assurances that ‘it’s just their hormones, they’ll be fine.’ Yachi looked like she was trying to recover from major trauma, but Kiyoko’s hands were covering the smaller girl’s eyes protectively. Kiyoko just looked plain unimpressed.

Daichi nuzzled Suga’s neck, smiling despite the obvious disaster on their hands.

“Daichiiiiiii!” The setter whined, pulling away reluctantly. “Not _here_.”

“We can’t possibly be worse-“

“We’re supposed to lead the team in a positive way. Not encourage them to let their hormones fly free and wild!” Daichi grunted as his waist absorbed a well-meaning karate chop. “Later.” Suga winked, strolling off to mediate between the shell-shocked Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. Daichi turned in the opposite direction to try and help with damage control.

“Tanaka! Put a shirt on!” He boomed at his kouhai, who hastily picked up the discarded cloth from the floor and threw it on.

“Sorry, captain!” Daichi then walked over to Asahi and clapped a hand on his broad shoulder.

“We still have practice to finish before school, if you’re done crying.”

“I’m-I’m not _crying._ ” The ace spluttered, standing up straighter.

“Could have fooled me.” Asahi gaped, tolerating one more smack from Noya before turning to face him. Daichi strolled away, dusting the metaphorical dirt off his shoulders.

The whole team stood in a line in front of Ukai, who had managed to recompose himself after a minor coaching crisis. Suga had lined them up methodically, making sure nobody was next to his love interest. This didn’t apply to Daichi, however; the captain stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the object of his affections, grinning over at the backup setter mischievously in the eerie silence before their coach began speaking. Suga countered with a sly quirk of his lips and a nudge to his leg.

“I’m going to start by saying that I have no idea what is happening to this team. Maybe it’s been a long time since I’ve been in high school, but these insane hormones are-” He sighed heavily. “-in any case, could we please focus for the last thirty minutes of practice? I want middle and power hitters on this side, Noya receiving, and Suga – you and Kageyama switch every time we cycle through the hitters. Tsukishima, you start the block first. Middles, when you’re done blocking, rejoin the line and hit. Good?”

“OSU!”

“They seem to have calmed down a bit!” Takeda-sensei chirped, planting his hands on his hips, a delighted smile on his face. Ukai grumbled.

“Were they possessed?!” Yachi covered her mouth with her hands, mind working to create hundreds of unlikely worst-case scenarios that could have led to the team’s breakdown. Kiyoko shook her head in the negative, placing a gentle hand on the blonde’s trembling shoulder in a calming gesture.

Once their final drill had begun, Ukai started a timer to see how long the boys could go without some sort of inappropriate comment or touch. He wasn’t entirely confident they could make it through five minutes, let alone thirty.

One minute passed. Two. Three-

“Why are you so _hot_ when you hit my sets? Hmm?” Kageyama was in Hinata’s face after a freak quick.

“I don’t know! It’s not my fault!” Hinata ducked under the net so he could block for the next hitter, fists clenched. “And why do you have such nice hands, Bakageyama?” Kageyama felt the weight of the volleyball on his fingertips and launched it forward for Asahi before fully processing the question.

“I was born with them, dumbass!”

In the back of the line of middle hitters, Yamaguchi bent over double to tie his shoes. Tsukishima, standing behind him, felt a strange, strange urge to reach out and touch his friend’s butt. His hand hovered awkwardly while Yamaguchi took way too long to tie the laces.

“Are you going to do it, or what, Tsukki? I can’t stay like this forever because my hamstrings hurt.” Tadashi righted himself, grabbing Kei’s wrist and guiding the hovering hand to its goal.

“Tch.” With a coy smile, Yamaguchi grabbed a ball, tossing it to Kageyama for a set. “Pathetic.” The blond scoffed, directing the statement to himself. Where had his rational mind gone, and when was he going to be able to reclaim it? While everyone had registered Kageyama and Hinata’s exchanges, Tsukishima comforted himself in the fact that at least Yamaguchi was discreet about his come-ons. He looked around, but all the other players seemed to be engrossed by the drill, cheering their teammates on.

“Sugawara, switch with Kageyama!” Coach Ukai called, and the setters swapped. He reset his “Awkward Moment” timer back to zero, shaking his head. Kageyama ran to the back of the power hitter line, trying to intimidate Hinata from a distance. Or seduce him. He wasn’t entirely sure at this point, but he wasn’t about to strain his very important brain muscle trying to figure it out. In the background, Noya bellowed “rolling thunder!” as he dove after Daichi’s spike, making everyone burst into laughter. Suga put up a hand to let Kinoshita know there was no way he could set while he was doubled over with giggles, and the other boy stopped, mid-approach. At least the cloud of sexual tension had broken for a brief moment. Tanaka and Noya made eye contact, tittering to themselves.

After their next water break, hell broke loose again. Yamaguchi had declared that Tsukki was a tree he wanted to climb and proceeded to do so, only stopped by Suga gently tugging on the back of his sweaty shirt. Tsukishima’s face held all the colours of the setting sun, but was no less guilty of lewd touching during the climbing incident. He blinked at his hands like they were not his own, once, twice, and when he made eye contact with his freckled partner in crime, he found a guilty grin plastered across his face.  While Suga was calming that pair, Daichi was chasing after Hinata and Kageyama, who he thought were trying to kill each other. The hunt ended when Hinata’s flying leap found him clinging to the rigid setter like a koala, screaming “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING, BAKAGEYAMA!”

 

Ukai told them all to get changed and go to school because he really could not handle whatever it was that was happening. They all downed the rest of their water bottles, hiccuping loudly, and shuffled off to change in the club room. Noya couldn’t seem to shake Asahi on the way there, the taller boy clinging to him more closely than his shadow. Suga walked between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, a deceptively firm grip controlling their shoulders, whereas Daichi dragged the other pair by their collars. The captain scowled the whole way up the stairs, ignoring their muffled complaints and flailing limbs. Once all four first years had been dumped unceremoniously in the middle of the room, the rest of the players filtered in slowly.  Daichi’s presence imposed on all of them.

“What on Earth is happening to this team? Is nobody taking our practices seriously? What were you _thinking_?” Suga moved to stand behind the captain in a show of support, his hand on Daichi’s tense shoulder.

“We didn’t-”

“I can’t-”

“It just-”

“...” Three voices rang out at once and were cut off with a cutting look. The team members not involved busied themselves at their lockers, trying their best to blend into the background. Only Noya and Tanaka peeked out from behind locker doors, eyes wide as saucers, grins catlike.

“One at a time. Hinata, you go first.” Daichi’s voice was so low and sharp, it could cut stone, and the tiny redhead trembled before him.

“Sorry, dad! Daichi-san! DAICHI-SAN, I’M SORRY.” The captain put his palm to his forehead, gently closing his eyes before chuckling throatily.  He continued to laugh for a few minutes and everyone in the room waited with bated breath to see if someone would die after the chuckling subsided. Suga rubbed his thumb gently on the nape of the captain’s neck as he calmed down.

“Okay, _son_.” Tsukishima snorted behind Hinata. “What happened?”

“I couldn’t help it! I wanted to say something different, but every time I went to talk to _stupid_ Kageyama, other words came out!”

“Me too!” Yamaguchi chimed in eagerly, glad to not be the only one in his situation. “Or my hands just…moved.” Daichi looked to the two sullen players who hadn’t spoken a word.

“Kageyama?”

“It was the same for me.” His words were barely audible, his eyes cast downward.

“Tch.”

“Tsukishima.” Suga reprimanded.

“Same, captain.”

“Well, that was a disaster. So it was only when you were talking to your – best friend, I guess?”

“We are not best friends!” Kageyama and Hinata yelled in unison.

“You two are so stupid.” Tsukishima snapped, fingers wandering over to the small of Yamaguchi’s back.

“What _ever_ this is, you four need to rein it in by next practice. This is incredibly disrespectful of everyone’s time, and really not helping us to prepare for the Spring Highs. We want to win, right?”

“HAI!”

“Right?”

“HAAAAI!”

“Go get changed and go to class. _Be good._ ” Noya and Tanaka could have sworn the intense brown eyes had flicked to them before Daichi pulled off his practice shirt. They exchanged an uneasy glance, changing at light speed and in silence.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Noya and Tanaka were sprinting back to the club room, having both left their phones by the sink. Their nonsensical chatter filled the air as they sprinted through the busy schoolyard. Noya threw the door open upon arriving only to find their captain and vice-captain grasping at each other hungrily up against the far wall. The libero froze in his tracks, and Tanaka ran into him from behind, falling silent. Their phones could wait. They could wait. Noya retreated, letting the door click shut gently. A manic grin took hold of his features and he punched his friend in the arm. They were quiet until they reached the bottom of the stairs, at which point Noya whooped.

“You did it! You actually put the potion in Daichi-san and Suga-san’s water bottles! Ryuu, you’re a legend! You’re-” He stopped when he saw Tanaka shaking his head slowly in the negative.

“I didn’t.”

“You…”

“No! I couldn’t do it!”

“Then, why were they-”

“I-”

“Oh.”


End file.
